The saga continues, I thought. Oh boy.

Now, if you’ve read about the saga, then you’ll know that while I was receiving bad customer service, two other “trade credit” orders had been received by LSC and were in the process of being checked in. Since they ultimately told me I’d be getting a check for my returned items, I assumed they’d be converting these trade credit orders to cash as well.

No such luck. They sent them back to me. Kinda.

I got back the same number of books I sent, and there weren’t any titles I hadn’t sent, either. Additionally, all the books were in Very Fine condition or better, and all were bagged and boarded. So that was a pleasant surprise. What was not quite so pleasant was the fact that they decided to ship me several issues “back” that I’d never sent them in the first place.

I leave it to you to wonder whether the ones I got back were worth less than those I sent (meaning LSC cherry-picked the best ones out of the batches and sent me back the others). Personally, I’m tired of dealing with the whole mess, so I haven’t researched it. I have no proof, so this is merely supposition, but it wouldn’t surprise me, given the service they’ve provided thus far.

In the end, I got back the same number, they’re bagged and boarded (which, in a burst of irony, would have prevented nearly all of the problems to begin with), and in great condition. At this point, I’m ready to close the book on this company and their shoddy service.

I will say this: the whole epilogue here serves to merely reinforce my recommendation against shopping with them. Guess these comics will be hanging around for a bit longer. If, gentle reader, you’re interested in picking them up at the low, low price of “Get these damn things out of my house!”, feel free to look here for the full list.

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I’m a fan of comic books. I always have been. Currently, I own more than 3,000 of them. So when I say I’m a fan, I’m more of a fan, if you know what I mean. Everything from 52 to  Young Justice: Our Worlds at War. I tend to prefer DC over Marvel, and the now-defunct Crossgen over both of those. Image is a distant fourth, with various others rounding out the collection.

Comics appeal to me for various reasons, not the least of which is the fantastic (in the traditional definition of that word) stories that they tell. They also appeal to me as-yet-undiagnosed OCD nature by being something I can collect, and moreover, something I can collect all of, since I’m something of a completist, too.

Yes, that’s a made-up word. Just go with it.

So a couple months ago, I went through my collection with a fine-toothed comb, looking for comics that I didn’t want anymore and could sell to raise some funds for the big time- and money-sink that is my company. I figured I could get rid of quite a few, and as it turns out, I wasn’t wrong. I managed to find nearly 1,200 comics that I didn’t want anymore. Since then, I’ve been gradually getting them out of my collection, at places like Trader’s Village and the recent Owlcon.

I’ve also been packing them up and shipping them off to Lone Star Comics, through their site webuycomics.com. And here’s where the saga really starts. In most cases, I’ve taken very good care of my comics. Ones that I intended to keep for a long period of time are bagged and boarded and well-stored. Others… well, not so much. I will admit I’m not an expert grader when it comes to comics. I don’t know all the little idiosyncrasies of what is and isn’t allowed in which grade, but suffice it to say that the better condition a comic is in, the higher the number, on a scale of 0 – a theoretical 10. I’ve never heard of a comic hitting 10; even the best of conditions usually get a 9.8. Most comics that are bagged and boarded get an 8-9.4.

So I was expecting the ones I was getting rid of, most of which weren’t taken fantastic (new definition, this time) care of wouldn’t be as well received by the experts at Lone Star as I hoped. I’ve sent in a total of 8 batches of comics now, roughly 300+ in total. Almost all of them were downgraded from my initial grading, with comments such as “spine stress,” “crease,” “scuffing,” or “slight foxing of corners.”

Okay, sure, I get that. You can’t sell a book at Near Mint (roughly 9+ on the scale) when it’s got some damage to it, so I don’t mind seeing those downgraded to a Very Fine (8+) or lower depending on the damage. I’m sending in these comics for trade credit (since they pay higher for that and I wanted other comics, anyway), so I’ll take what I can get. It takes a while for them to grade my shipments, up to 10 days depending on number of comics, and then once I agree to the inevitable downgrading and accept their offer, it takes about 4-5 days for a payment to be issued.

The upshot of this is that after about a month and 200+ comics sent in, I had a whopping $380+ of trade credit to use. So I ordered 175 comics that were on my personal “want list”, in various grades – some Fine (6+), most Very Fine, and a few Near Mint. I ordered a couple copies of some since I intend to get some bound (more on this in a later post), and hit “checkout” with a smile on my face, waiting the 7 days it took to pull and ship my order of 175 comics with high anticipation.

I should note here that Lone Star has, by far, the biggest selection of comics at the best prices I’ve found. So I was able to get nearly everything on my Want List from them in one fell swoop. This made me happy… until I realized that all was not to be.

I should have known something was wrong when I went to check the status of my order, and found that there were only 152 comics listed. Though I paid for 175, 23 weren’t shown. I put it down to a glitch and thought no more of it. Finally, the comics arrived. Those of you who collect will know my feelings – think of it as new comic book day * 175. THAT was what it was like. Now, I admittedly had high expectations for the books I would be receiving, given the constant and continuous downgrading of the books I had sent in for credit. Surely, if they’re so hard on grading my books, then the grading of theirs must be just as careful.

Yeah, no.

Of the 175 I ordered, 1 never made it (which, all things considered, is probably understandable, given the size of the order), and 54 had to be returned due to damage. That’s right, one-third of the order was not received in the condition they were ordered in. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I sorted the books. I double- and triple-checked the outer box for damage (there wasn’t any), and looked again and again at the packing in disbelief.

There’s another check in the Win column for Lone Star I should mention here: their packing of books is without equal, in my experience. They take the books and stack them flat, with half the books in each “pack” facing up and half facing down. This protects the spine from rolling and stress during shipping and saves space. They then put a thick cardboard divider on top and bottom, put the whole stack in a thick plastic bag, then seal it with more tape than I have ever seen before when it wasn’t on a roll. Seriously, I could’ve done all my Christmas wrapping for three years with this amount of tape. Thus tightly packed, the comics go in the outer box surrounded by paper and packing materials.

What I’m trying to say is, there seems to be little chance that these books were damaged during the time it took to get from Lone Star to my house. Unfortunately, something happened, because almost all of the books had crushed or creased corners. Some had serious spine roll, humidity/water damage, and/or creased covers, soiling and, in one case, a date stamp across the title of the comic.

Really? I couldn’t believe they would ship comics like this. My current theory is that someone in their shipping department dropped one or more of the ‘packs’ on their corners, and didn’t bother to look for damage to the comic before putting it in the box and sending it on its way. You can see from the gallery below (Miscellaneous 1 & 2) that entire packs had problems with corners, including the backing boards.

Okay, so a third of my $300+ order was damaged. I think it was permissible for me to be a bit upset at this. I sent them an email saying, in essence, “I think it’s very uncool for you to have sent me these damaged books, what do we do now?” I even included a link to a gallery of images I took to show them I wasn’t just yanking their chain about the damage (what would become this post, which was previously password-protected).

Their response, in turn, was “Yeah, just return them. Here’s a link for a label.”

Seriously? That’s it? That is how you handle an upset customer? The entirety of the rest of this saga could have been avoided with one simple phrase: “I’m sorry you didn’t get what you ordered. Let’s work together to make this right.”

How hard is that?

Apparently, it’s not a part of the customer service training at Lone Star. I even called and asked to speak to a manager, hoping to hear someone say “Woops, our bad, how can we help?” Again, nothing. Though the guy I spoke with (who was just a guy answering the phone) was pleasant and helpful, he couldn’t do anything for me but take a message and tell me the same thing they’d told me by email.

For someone who has been in customer service in one form or another for nearly twenty years, this was not acceptable.

So I took down the email of the owner, and at the same time boxed up the comics I’d decided to return (in the same way and even the same packaging as they’d sent them to me, naturally) and sent them on their way with what turned out to be the last batch of comics I’d be selling, as well. I sent the books off and wrote an email saying I found it hard to believe that the same guys who were so careful in grading my incoming comics could let customers receive books that were so obviously mis-graded. I asked for a reason to continue shopping with their store, and pleaded as one business owner to another for better customer service.

What did I receive? No response from the owner, but from the customer service person I originally received the email from, I got this:

After speaking with the owner in regards to your email, we do not feel we will be able to meet your needs in terms of grading. Anyone who questions our standards and integrity regarding how we grade in terms of buying and selling, is not someone we feel we should continue to do business with.

So, let me see if I get this straight: You down-grade nearly every comic I send you (meaning you pay me less for them, in credit or cash). I accept this, and order comics from you at or above the grade of the comics I sent in for the trade credit. I get the comics at a condition below which I ordered them. I ask how we can insure I get replacement comics at the level I ordered, and I’m told that I’m “question[ing your] standards and integrity” and you want nothing more to do with me.

Now, they’ve deleted my account on their site. So I have no way of seeing the status of my current transactions, either orders or “selling” batches.

I guess that’s one way to lose a customer. They’ve apparently decided that since I had this crazy notion of expecting to receive what I paid for and expecting someone to take responsibility for the damaged comics, I don’t deserve to continue purchasing comics from them.

Okaaaay. I’m sure Mile High Comics will take my money, instead.

Feel free to take a look at the photos below. I’ve titled each image with the name of the comic, issue number, and condition(s) in which I ordered them. Let me know if you think my objections were erroneous. Not that it ultimately matters now.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

From imdb.com:

Bond’s loyalty to M is tested as her past comes back to haunt her. As MI6 comes under attack, 007 must track down and destroy the threat, no matter how personal the cost.

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TL/DR: One of the best Bond movies ever. Top three. I’ll be buying this for sure, and will likely see it at least once more in the theater. Well worth the price of admission.

Stars:
Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, Naomi Harris, Bérénice Marlohe, Albert Finney, Ben Whishaw

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I like you better without your Beretta.

Bérénice Marlohe

I’ve been a fan of James Bond movies my whole life. Well, as long as I can remember, anyway. Since I first saw Sean Connery in the trademark suit with the smile and the Walther PPK… He was the epitome of class, the man’s man with the coolest gadgets, living the life of which every teenage boy dreams. From the boats to the cars to the chases… it was all so far from what I was experiencing as a a kid growing up middle-class in the burbs.

As the years went by and Roger Moore took over the role, I continued to enjoy the movies, though they became progressively more fantastic (in the sense of being unrealistic). Moore as Bond wasn’t quite as cool, for me, at least. I still enjoyed the movies, but there was a sense of “Oh yeah, what kind of crazy crap can happen in this one?” rather than “Let’s see how this dude uses his wits and charm to get himself out of a sticky situation.”

Judi Dench

Timothy Dalton did a reasonable job as Bond, but then it was on to the actor everyone hoped would revitalize the franchise, Pierce Brosnan. The man it was meant for, way back when Moore still had the title spot. And to his credit, Brosnan did revitalize the franchise, bringing back the coolness of Connery without going over the top like Moore. We had the ‘everyman who just happens to be wearing a really nice suit’ guy back, and were happy.

Until Die Another Day, but let’s leave that for another discussion.

Then, out of the blue, here comes Daniel Craig. I’d seen him years before in a couple of my favorite movies, Road to Perdition and Layer Cake, and he even had a part in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. So I knew that I liked the guy, but was he Bond? Could he pull it off? Casino Royale clearly answered that question with a resounding yes, and he only continued that success with Quantum of Solace.

Then it comes to Skyfall. We’d all been waiting four years for a new Bond movie – thanks to MGM’s seemingly-perpetual money woes – and it looked like it was worth the wait. Great stunts, great villain, intriguing story (just what in the bloody blue *$)@ is “Skyfall”, anyway?)… I couldn’t wait to see it.

Javier Bardem

And it’s fantastic, folks. I can’t give away much without a huge spoiler alert, but the villain is believable - love Javier Bardem – without being too over the top, the girls are hot, the explosions are phenomenal (my brother called one of them the best explosion he’d seen in a movie since Pirates of the Caribbean) and the acting is top-notch, from everyone.

Craig makes us feel his pain and anguish, the difficult of the choices he’s forced to make, and even the incomparable Judi Dench’s M cracks a bit and shows a more personal side than she has before. The rest do amazing jobs, including the new Q, Ben Whishaw, who also worked with Craig on the film Layer Cake. Ralph Fiennes, perhaps best known as Lord Voldemort, although I also enjoyed him as Harry in the little-seen In Bruges, does a good job as the new liaison to MI6 from the PM’s office.

Naomie Harris

Speaking of Pirates of the Carribean, newest Bond girl Naomie Harris surprised the hell out of me. Not with her acting, which was fine, but with who she was. I didn’t recognize her at all, though I should have. Aside from playing in the great zombie movie 28 Days Later, Harris was also Tia Dalma/Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and the followup, At World’s End, some of my favorite movies ever.

I think the thing I like most about this film is that the producers and writers seem to have realized that things were flying a bit far afield from where Ian Fleming had originally intended Bond to be. If you read the books, Bond was never intended as a sexy, suave, charming, gadget-riddled super-spy. He was supposed to be ‘a blunt instrument.’ Sure, he could do all those things, but that’s not who he was, not the core of the character.

In Skyfall, we see more of that character, without all the trappings. What made him who he was, and how we got to where he is. The producers gave us plenty of nods to the older movies – even the door to M’s office, at the end – and somehow brought the series back to its roots without losing the modern feel. I felt like they had found a way to get to the core of what Bond movies are supposed to be, without denigrating everything that had come before.

Ralph Fiennes

Some folks won’t like this as much, because it’s a more character-heavy story than action-centered. There’s car chases, action, fights, explosions, guns, girls, a couple gadgets and everything else, but it’s mainly about the characters and what they go through. I find this sort of story much more appealing than the standard action fare – though I enjoy that, too – but some people will likely think this movie’s a bit slow at times. I didn’t feel that way at all, but I recognize that I like the build-up of the scenes, the cinematography, the way the music affects the feeling the film gives you – all of it. For me, the best films are these kind – that make me feel for the characters, rather than the constant explosions and action.

For my money, Skyfall was one of the top three Bond movies of all time, and one of Craig’s best performances. The other top two movies, for reference, are Thunderball and For Your Eyes Only (with a close tie between it and The Spy Who Loved Me). I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and will likely be seeing it at least once more in the theaters. I highly recommend it.  It is a genuinely fitting tribute to 50 years of Bond.

TL/DR: It’s a great festival, and with free admission and live music, you’re really missing out if you don’t go. You can find out more about the festival on their website. Check out the gallery below for photos of some of the artwork.

I’ve never been much of a festival person. I don’t particularly care for large crowds and music that’s often way too loud, overpriced food and drinks, etc etc ad nauseum. Especially in Houston, where the heat and humidity are just murder when you’re trying to do anything outside for nine-tenths of the year. That, and from where I live, most of the festivals held in downtown Houston are about 45 minutes away, give or take.

I may have to change my attitude after attending Via Colori yesterday. At least on days with good weather. It was 70 degrees and sunny, with nary a cloud in the sky when we arrived around noon. After a short walk to the fenced-off festival grounds, we were able to take in some of the amazing artwork (see the gallery below) that had been created on the streets closed off for the purpose.

Using either chalk-based paint or actual chalk, the artists were able to create some amazing works, often incorporating cracks and other imperfections in the road surface into the artwork itself – even down to the rough asphalt being used as the texture for a man’s beard in one instance.

And it wasn’t all drawing on the street, either. Mini USA had quite a few Coopers out at the show (they were the ones running the treasure hunt, too) and they had some of their models made into “Dirty Car Art” that was so good, my camera detected the setting as a portrait, which tells you something.

There were plenty of pieces that, had they been available as cheap prints, I would likely have purchased. Fortunately, the artists had the opportunity to collect votes for their work as donations to the Center, with the largest number of votes earning the winner two round-trip tickets on United Airlines. There were also other giveaways, a treasure hunt – an acquaintance of my festival partner won the folding bicycle – food, games and art opportunities for the family and live music on three separate stages.

All in all, it was a great way to spend a Sunday. I’d recommend going on the second day, since you’ll get to see the artwork mostly completed. Enjoy the photos!

Here’s the TL/DR version, as is my wont: The juice fast is over, for unexpected medical reasons. Over the course of 7.5 days, I lost more than 12 pounds and more than 10 inches. But in the end, the fast had the most important impact it was designed to: it changed the way I look at food on a fundamental level. So I’ll be eating even healthier than I was before, with my experience over the last week to guide me.

At about 1:15am today, I woke up with massive stomach cramps. I’m not talking hunger pains, or ‘Oh, my stomach’s a bit upset’ sorta cramps. I’m talking about cramps on the level I had when I got food poisoning in Mexico cramps. Bacterial gastroenteritis-level cramps. Curl up in a little ball and die cramps.

Because I don’t currently have medical insurance, my options were limited as to what I could do, so I called an Ask-the-Nurse hotline. I laid out the details of what I’d been doing over the past week, and more importantly, what I’d been ingesting. The nurse I spoke to was very nice, and asked me a lot of questions to make sure that she gave me the right information.

The upshot was this: I needed to go into the kitchen and make myself a medium-sized salad (easy enough, with all the veggies I had) with just lettuce and tomato and a very little bit of dressing, and eat it. Not juice it, but actually eat the whole thing. She also recommended I have a small amount of protein – she suggested a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter, which I had – and asked me what else I had to hand in the cupboard. Black beans were also on the menu, apparently, so I mixed in some lime juice and cumin with the beans and tomatoes and had a small serving of those as well (about a third of a can).

She told me that juice fasting is fine for some people, but apparently my system needs more fiber than I was getting from just the veggies, and that was causing the cramps. She told me that it was an early warning that I could end up with a blocked colon, and so I needed to get some fiber and basic proteins immediately.

Without getting too graphic, lemme just say she was right. I hadn’t been finished with the salad for 15 minutes before I had to run to the bathroom. I lost 2.5 pounds last night between 1am and 5am, when I finally got to sleep. All that ‘cleansing’ that was supposed to happen during the 3rd and 4th days was saving itself up, I guess.

One other thing that’s been a huge challenge for me over the past week is the juice itself. It makes me physically nauseous to drink this stuff, to the point where I’m right on the verge of gagging even when I’m drinking it. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. I don’t know what it is, whether it’s the texture or just the flavors or what, maybe it’s too thick, but as hard as it was to go drink for 7 days, I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have lasted 60. Think about it: how long could you go, if your only ‘meals’ were juices that made you nauseous to drink?

What I Learned On My Winter Fast:
So that’s the beginning and the end. The next beginning is the changes that I’ve already made in my diet based on what I learned this week. The main point of the juice fast wasn’t to lose weight, it was to train my body to eat healthier, and to break the psychological addiction I had to unhealthy food. And it worked.

I know now that I need good fiber for my system to function adequately, every day. So I’ll be eating a bit of what I call ‘old man cereal’ (aka Fiber One) each morning. Likely a salad with some protein each lunchtime, and a light dinner (fish, etc). I’ll be watching my portions and stopping when I’m full, no matter how hungry I think I am. This will be much easier, because I can look at it and go: “Well, I’m hungry now, but this is nothing compared to what I went through then, so big deal.”

I drove past 3 Sonics, 2 McDonald’s and a Burger King today, as well as innumerable other restaurants, without even being tempted to stop. Instead, I hit Subway for a 6-inch flatbread chicken sandwich loaded with veggies and with no salt or cheese. 430 calories. I’ll have the other 6-inch for dinner in a few hours. My cramps have gone away completely, I don’t feel mentally foggy like I’ve been for a week, and I have more energy.

I even skipped the sweet tea, y’all.

So this is the new beginning: Changing the way I eat forever. Lots of veggies and fresh fruits (in a form I can tolerate), no less than 64 oz of water every day, no soda, no salt, no sugar, no caffeine (barring the occasional cuppa), low-fat proteins like fish and chicken, and cutting way back on dairy (hard, because I love cheese, but doable). Add in a few long walks and other exercise, and I’ll lose the weight quickly. With every bit of food I look at now, I think to myself: would I break a fast for this?

I’ve been through my own personal hell over the past week, and I’ve come out the other side a changed man. I can’t wait to get started.

So here’s the TL/DR for those of you with the attention span of a cracked-out hummingbird.

• Weight: 283 — down 9.8 pounds
• Measurements:
  • Neck: 19 1/8^th — down 1/8^th of an inch
  • Chest: 48.75 — down 3/4th of an inch
  • Stomach: 50.75″ — down 3.25 inches (!)
  • Waist: 45.5 — down 2 inches

What puzzles me is that I actually gained six-tenths of a pound today, somehow. I try not to drink a bunch of water or juice before I weigh myself, but that’s the only thing I can think of. Maybe it just hasn’t all processed yet. Still, down almost 10 pounds and over eight inches (combined) is a pretty big deal.

I was really surprised at the loss in my stomach measurement. For obvious reasons, I don’t pay much attention to it, but it doesn’t seem to me to have gone down much, visually. But the numbers don’t lie, so I’m taking this as a good sign. I knew I’d lost inches off my waist, just from the way my jeans are falling off, but that was a pleasant surprise.

So, it’s been a week, and I’m still hungry nearly all the time. This doesn’t surprise me, though, and I was prepared for it, or at least thought I was. It’s not painful hunger, just a constant gnawing that I can now ignore, for the most part. I still think about food a lot, but that too isn’t unusual. What I’m amazed at is the amount of time I used to spend preparing for or eating meals. When you only ‘eat’ twice a day, and even then it only takes less than ten minutes, there’s a lot more time in your day.

I’d like to address something a friend of mine brought up in regard to this fast. He suggested that the reason I’m doing this ‘crash diet’ — another misconception I’ll get to in a minute — is for vanity. Meaning, I’m doing it just to look better. The fact is that’s not the case. Will I feel better about myself and end up looking better because of this? Sure. And yes, that’s part of it. But my primary motivation is to be healthier. It’s phenomenally unhealthy to be nearly 40 and still weigh 300 pounds. If I don’t do something about it, I’ll be putting myself at significantly increased risk for everything from heart disease to kidney failure.

For someone who’s already had one heart attack (at 22), let me tell you, it’s not something I’d like to repeat. The fact that I’ll be able to fit into old jeans is just a side benefit of being healthy, not the end goal.

As to this being a crash diet, it’s really not. I prepared for the diet by eating healthy meals for about a  week before I started, except my final day of solid food and a friend’s birthday. Lots of salad, etc. I’d long ago cut out soda, I don’t drink coffee and not much tea, and I drink alcohol only rarely. I’d also cut way back on carbs, dairy, sugar (almost eliminating it completely) and everything else that is “bad” for you. So it was hardly a crash diet.

I’m not an idiot. If I start getting serious side-effects and feeling like death warmed over, then I’ll see a doctor or start eating solid foods again. I’m not in this to kill or permanently injure myself. But so far, it’s not that bad, and I’m staying strong.

On Monday (Day 5), I went to my monthly writer’s group meeting. I was more than a little dubious about going, since the group meets at a Greek restaurant that I really like, and humus is one of my favorite things. I won’t lie: it was very difficult to not order something, especially when one of the waiters held a steaming-hot calzone 4 inches from my face, asking if it was mine. Though he never knew it, he was in mortal peril. Still, I resisted.

If I eat solid food now, then the entirety of the process up until this point, and all the Hell I’ve gone through to get here, is wasted. Useless. Well, not totally, because I see the value of veggies and fruits and yadda yadda yadda… it’s useless, okay? And the longer I go, the easier it will be to resist, since there’ll be more Hell behind me that will be wasted.

SO. At the end of Day 7, I’m committed to continuing this journey. I can handle Day 8. Day 60 will take care of itself. Who wants some juice?

I’ll admit it – today was the first day I had two full jars of juice. I’m drinking the juice out of Mason jars because they’re 32 oz. and I’m supposed to have 64 oz. per day and that makes it easy.

Well, easier. As easy as drinking something that looks like snot with bits in can possibly be.

But I powered through, and got it choked down for the second time today. I still have the headache nagging away at me, but I’m hoping that goes away. I’ve come to terms, in a very general way, with the gnawing, aching hunger that I’m feeling every second of every day. I’ve accepted that it’s my new best friend, and is here to stay. At least for a while. I’ve had more energy today than I have in quite a long time, so there’s a plus, and something I wasn’t expecting for at least a couple weeks.

What I’ve also discovered is that I am not a nice person without my food. I have absolutely zero tolerance for anything even approaching the vicinity of annoying right now. One reason why I’ve limited my going-out-of-the-house-at-all things to only vital trips to maintain what sanity I’ve managed to scrape off the bottom of the juicer’s filter.

I’m hoping that goes away soon, too.

It helps that I get to work from home, so I don’t really need to see, you know, people at all, for the most part. I just have to take a deep breath and think about it before I fire off an email or make a telephone call.

At this point, I’m pretty sure that if someone came within biting distance of me with a taco, they’d lose a hand. And maybe a bit of wrist. I’m not picky. A friend made eggs and toast tonight — one of my favorite things — and it was all I could do not to come across the counter at her or sit there drooling like her dogs. Instead, I took a deep breath and another big swig of snot.

Well, not really, but you know what I mean.

My friends have asked me if I’m going back to regular food when I’m done with all of this. My answer is usually along the lines of “Did you have bacon with breakfast this morning? I can smeeeeelllll it.” To which they naturally respond by backing away slowly. Of course I’ll be eating regular food after this. Not at the rate I was, at all, but I’m not going to suddenly lose it because I had a cheeseburger.

Excuse me for a moment.

That’s better. Sorry, had to wipe the drool from my chin at the thought of… never mind. What was I saying? Right, food. I’ll allow myself some “unhealthy” food, as long as I make sure to exercise and eat right for a few days afterward. I’d already cut out much of the really bad stuff, anyway, like sodas, caffeine, most sugar, etc. So it’s not going to be a complete paradigm shift. Of course, I say that now…

Here’s a problem I never really thought I’d have again: I’m going to have to wear my belt, because otherwise these jeans will never stay up. I’m keeping them for comparison purposes, but I have a feeling pretty soon I’ll fit into the old jeans I haven’t worn in years. My friend asked me tonight if I thought, once I’m done with my 60 days, if I’ll go back to eating the way I used to, and I shook my head.

“Absolutely not! There’s no way in hell I’m going to put myself through this again!”

Which, I suppose, is the whole point of the thing.

“I’m going to stop playing ‘Who Shall I Kill First?’ in my head and just go for what’s natural. I think I’ll start with me, then it’s you.”

- Bernard Black, “Black Books”

If you’ve never seen Dylan Moran, Bill Bailey and Tamsin Greig, you need to watch that series above. You can find it on Netflix in both disc and streaming, and elsewhere, I suppose.

Bernard put it best how I’m feeling right now. I wouldn’t advise anyone getting anywhere near me. Not that I’m not a nice guy, but if you come near me, I might decide you smell appetizing and come after you with a knife and fork. And that would be bad for everyone.

To the TL/DR portion of the evening: I’ve lost 6 pounds so far, weighing in tonight at 286.8.

I’d have probably dropped more, but I know I’m not drinking enough juice and water. Fortunately, I discovered today that if I add a couple handfuls of spinach to my Awesome Orange Recipe from yesterday, it still tastes good. This extra green balances out the natural sugars from the rest of it, meaning it’s back to being a good juice rather than a bad juice.

Although words like good and bad have no meaning for me now when applied to juice of any kind. I used to like juice. Maybe, someday, years from now, I’ll be able to again. One can hope.

So I’m going to try having two Awesome Oranges tomorrow, with the added spinach and maybe an extra cucumber (since they’re diuretics and help with the water retention). Maybe this weight loss will speed up. Who knows, I might go for just 30 days instead of the full 60.

Or I could just be delirious from THE COMPLETE LACK OF SOLID FOOD! Sorry, sorry. We now return you to your normal lives.

I’m going to saddle this amazing drink with the completely unoriginal name of Awesome Orange, too. Here’s the recipe:

Awesome Orange Recipe

• 3 carrots
• 2 apples
• 1″ of ginger root
• 1 orange, unpeeled
• 1 cucumber

I used Granny Smith apples, but I imagine any apple will work. This recipe gives you a very flavorful drink that is surprisingly a bit spicy and sweet at the same time. It’s not bitter at all (even with the orange peel) and tastes fantastic.

I read a variant of this recipe on another blog (this one here, you should follow these lovely ladies) that included a few handfuls of spinach. I like spinach, so I’ll try that next with this recipe. I’m looking forward to finding ones that work. Speaking of, they’ve also got a recipe for an Orange Julius juice that I’m going to try, too.

I was worried that I wouldn’t make it a week without something I actually liked drinking, but even if I have to drink one nasty juice every day, as long as I have this to look forward to, I can make it. I’m thinking I’ll cut the kale from the Mean Green and replace it with spinach; the kale is quite bitter, and this combined with perhaps another apple will allow me to hopefully enjoy the recipe for that, too.

Here’s a quick and easy way to get all your water: after you’re done with your 32-oz juice, fill the same glass/bottle/jar with water and drink that, too. Put some ice in it if you like ice water, but make sure to drink it all. That’ll help cut down the aftertaste of the juice as well as make it easier for your body to process it by diluting it a bit.

Whew. I was worried there for a bit, but now I’m ready to kick this thing into gear.